Author: Marty B

I am excited to learn more about you, and how I can support you to create goals that drive you!

My Shadow left me today. I will miss him, but I know I will be better off.  He was holding me back, pulling me down. We’re just too different, my Shadow and I.  He wants to standstill, stay comfortable. I need to push myself, embrace the unknown and turn toward the future. 

My Shadow has been with me as long as I can remember, following me everywhere, his dark shape lurking behind me.  Most of the time I forget he is even there.  The first time I noticed the pull of my Shadow, felt his strength, was in high school.  I wanted to try out for the basketball team. My Shadow reminded me gently at first, then louder that I was slow and not athletic, that I couldn’t shoot and I should sit right back down.  Though I pushed past those words, I felt his power over me. 

I know everyone has a Shadow, but it took me a while to understand how a Shadow can weigh on a person. I didn’t hear anyone else’s Shadow telling them what they could not do, what they could not be.  I did not see anyone else’s internal struggle, but I felt mine. My Shadow whispers insidious dark words to me, repeating all my worst fears.  My Shadow announces himself whenever I try to be something more than what I am, to become the person I know I could be. My Shadow speaks to me whenever I want to ask for a promotion, to get out of bed for the gym, to start a business, to write a novel. 

I am trying to be a better writer, in blog posts, creative short stories, and long detective mysteries. Sometimes I sense the spark of an idea, and if I can sit down and write, I can encourage the spark to catch, build into something more.  That, of course, is when my Shadow shows up to get in the way.  The only thing I am sure about, is for me to keep that spark lit,  I need my fingers on the keyboard, the pen in my hand. Writers write. My Shadow knows this too, and does whatever he can to stop me.

I know everyone has a Shadow, but mine has to be the most devious, tricking me to do what he wants.    “Yes,” my Shadow will say, “of course you can start writing, what a good idea! Yes, you are going to be a great writer, but why don’t you start tomorrow? Today is the day to clean behind the refrigerator.” Or my Shadow will distract me. “Look outside, the sun is out!  You can not waste this day sitting inside!”  My Shadow often suggests I should take a break, especially when the next sentence is stuck, or I falter in my steps toward my goal. My Shadow knows me too well, encouraging me to give up right at the moment when I trip.  He knows that once I take a short break, it is harder for me to go back. 

 “Just look at the Twitter feed or Facebook, or Instagram. You will only need to look for a moment- ” My Shadow loves for me to multitask, to have five things going at once, so I will not complete the one that is actually important. 

“Was that a ping?” My Shadow will ask, innocently. “ You should check your email, something urgent must have happened in the last 5 minutes.”   

My Shadow whispers to me, bullying me to give up. “Your creative spark is dying, guttering in its candle holder. Just give it up.”  He hit me where it hurts, the truth. In my professional life, invention is not rewarded, mundane and prosaic are encouraged, and safe. I have let my creative muscles atrophy from lack of use.  My Shadow loves to remind me of my weak muscles.  “Don’t strain yourself,” he says, kindly. “Just lie back down and let the experts do it, here is another science fiction book, and there is another show to watch on Netflix.”   My Shadow grows stronger in the glow of the flat screen TV, he sits next to me on the couch, fat and content. I have lost more battles than I care to count with my Shadow. 

I have fought my Shadow in well lit coffee shops, greasy-spoon diners and dim bars. With a notebook and pen, I sat at the small tables just like a ‘Real Writer’. I imagined myself as Hemingway or Poe, James Patterson or NK Jemisin, someone who writes easily and eloquently, stories flying from my pen. I drowned my Shadow in coffee or beer to get the sparks flying.  But my ideas, slippery as quicksilver came too fast, burned bright as a Fourth of July sparkler, and then left, burnt out. Images in my mind were clear and true for, until they weren’t. I became  distracted, too drunk or jittery to think straight. I was left only with clues to what I was thinking, but not the kernel. My shadow won, back in charge, stronger than ever. 

 I am scared of my Shadow, because he knows me too well.  Yet, I know him too and he has his own weaknesses. My Shadow doesn’t like company. When I have a partner, someone to walk with on my journey to my goals my Shadow stays in the background, quiet. A partner holds me accountable, to myself.  

 All Shadows hate light.  Mine does not not want to have his suggestions discussed and analyzed. 

“You are a terrible writer,” My Shadow says, “no one will ever read what you write and you are wasting your time.”

In the light, I can hold up these comments to ask “Is this true?” 

I know it is not.  I might not be the best writer, but I have read others who are worse.  I might be wasting my time, but what else would I be doing, more TV, more screen time? I do too much of both already.  The few hours aren’t missed, and I feel better when I am done. I drag my Shadow into the light, question his lies and he shrinks and thins, weak enough that I can stomp him under my feet.  I have learned other people have named their Shadow, to help them to bring theirs out into the sun. I called him out.  “Be gone Shadow!” “Leave this place, you Inner Critic!” “You are a liar, Gremlin!”

I have learned my Shadow does not want me to make good choices, but if it is something I do everyday, then I have a better chance against him. So, I am building habits, writing in the same place, the same chair, at the same time. Habits do not save me entirely from my Shadow, but it allows less space for him to get in. I have stopped waiting for inspiration, but am hunting the creative spark in myself with work and effort. I am building my muscles through regular practice to fight back against my Shadow. 

My Shadow left me today, he stayed behind, wanting to be comfortable and safe. I chose to go into the light, into a new unexplored direction.  I know I might fall, but I will get up to take another step. My Shadow left me today, but I know he will be back tomorrow and I will again fight to share my truth. 

I was on my third cup of coffee when the afternoon zoom started; an internal meeting on a topic I have experience in.  I was the expert in the room on the call. Ignoring the screen I spoke directly to the camera and went ahead and hit the trifecta of lousy meeting protocols; I mansplained a project to the person who designed it, I proposed an idea as mine, loudly and with confidence, repeating what was mentioned tentatively just a few minutes before, and then interrupted a colleague, skipping over her question like it wasn’t there.  Fortunately I have a kind colleague who decorously took me aside in a private email and pointed out I was being an ass.  Oh snap, I need help. How would I be at an in-person meeting! 

The pandemic has been challenging for all of us; I have been lucky I can work remotely. The change has not been easy though.  I have been at home communicating by phone and video calls for over a year. I smile at the camera, and hide my own video feed;  it is too distracting.  If I do see someone in person,  I am six -plus feet away, and guess at their facial expressions based only on the top half of a face.  I really struggle with small talk now.  How often can I have coronavirus conversations about a pandemic pet,  sourdough starter or the latest redecorated room? These are my safe subjects; I do not know how to talk about family members’ significant health issues, or the hard economic realities of lost jobs.

My conversation skills just are not what they used to be, and they were not that good to begin with. Now with an available vaccine, shops and stores are opening back up.  Now that I am getting back out into the world and meeting people in person, I feel I need to step up my conversation game. I can sit inside restaurants with family,  and at cafes with friends once again.  How do I talk to them?

People have been studying how to communicate, and persuade other people since humans had language at all. Rhetoric is the art of persuasion, which along with grammar and logic, is one of the three ancient arts of discourse.  A course now at Harvard Business School on conversations called ‘How to Talk Gooder in Business and in Life’ teaches conversational best practices, and of course Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was one of the first, and still most popular self help books. 

I have a plan and am setting up some simple steps to get out of my own way.

One step I am going to take is to stop saying, and start asking; focus my attention in terms of the other person’s interest. I have noticed that I really do not listen in conversations.   I wait for a pause so I can add my relatable anecdote!   Questions increase information exchange.  Instead of adding my story, I am going to follow up, with ,” oh, tell me more about that!” 

Humor works to bring people closer, and create a connection. Not a comedian, unless you can count dad jokes.  I do know the best jokes are the ones at my own expense! 

When going to a situation with larger groups, I’ll decide on  a couple topics in advance to bring up when a conversation topic has run its course.  Latest fashions, iphone games, dog breeds, Van Gogh museum exhibits, maybe.    I have one group of friends who are all sports- crazy, and any time we will be together I know to read the sports page in the newspaper extra carefully. 

And lastly, I know I have great ideas that will change the world!  Andimportantly so do the people around me.  I am going to acknowledge what others bring to a conversation and lift up and praise their contributions. 

My new plan is to shut up and listen.  I do not need to share my story, I need to listen to what others are saying.  If the conversation lags, I will change the subject and be OK with that. It is just some folks talking.  I do not need to be the most interesting person in the room, I will be the most interested. 

The sky is an emerald blue, cloudless. The early spring sun sparkles on the yellow lilies, bursting out of the small planter next to me and smelling of new growth.  I am sitting on my front porch, watching as neighbors amble by on a late Sunday morning.

I hear the birds singing and am bored to tears. 

After almost a year of Stay At Home orders, I have walked around my neighborhood too many times, been to all the local parks, and do not know where else to go that will not be over-crowded on this beautiful day. I felt stuck here at home. I spent all day yesterday working in the backyard, this morning doing housework, and so feel I have done my obligations.  Saw my parents and sister yesterday, and talked to a friend on the phone the night before.  I have run out of things I want to do, nowhere to go, and it is 10:45 in the morning. 

Time has taken on new dimensions this past year, some days go by fast, filled with zoom calls and deadlines, other days stretch out endlessly. In a normal year, my weekends are too full; sporting events, eating out at restaurants, trips out of town.  Some Mondays would come around and I’d look forward to the break. 

In the work I do in clean energy, a  “blue sky scenario” means the renewable energy system is working out to its maximum potential. The sun is out, solar PV is producing electrons and energizing the attached battery, electric vehicle or getting used by the grid. All systems are working perfectly, and everything is expected to lead to the best possible result.  

Today is a blue sky scenario day;  my family and I are home and safe, nothing urgent to do. All is well. This irritates me to no end. 

I am used to having too many things to do. A wife and three kids, extended family, a demanding job,  multiple hobbies, and a 90 year old house needing maintenance; I should never run out of things to do, right?!

Except, my kids are all teenagers, they have their own lives. My wife is busy with her projects. And I am burnt out on pastimes. Everything going well means there is nothing urgent for me to do. The blue sky scenario does not drive me to get stuff done.

A black sky scenario is when everything goes wrong. I am used to those situations too.  When I am too stressed to sleep, or need to make impossible decisions or just can not deal. 

It will not always be this way.  My Dad has cancer, and I will have economic challenges on the horizon.  Also, I live in California and The Big Earthquake is expected at any time.  Soon enough the wheel of change will roll on and I will be again late for somewhere, behind on projects and short on time. I will then wish for better weather, blue skies and an afternoon with nothing to do.

Today, I will  acknowledge what is going well.   I am grateful for today, as I know I will get only so many blue sky days. 

I do have a project for today. 

 I am going to replant these lilies, giving them some room to grow.  

I am banging on a trail of ants on my desk with the bottom of an old Raid can.  I will not use Raid anymore now I know how toxic it is; however I do not like ants, so am using what I have.  The past year has been like that, not having good options, I do what I can to get by.

 The shut down due to COVID is going on 11 months.  11 months of remote work and remote school.  11 months of no restaurants, no gym, no sports, no seeing family, and not a lot of fun.

My family and I are lucky. Both my wife and I were able to continue at our jobs, and our immediate family have avoided this terrible disease.  We have been careful, and followed precautions, wearing masks, avoiding gatherings. We are physically safe, however the isolation has taken a toll both mentally and emotionally. 

At first, of course the shut down was confusing, apocalyptic and frightening. Ultimately our family created some routines to deal with the continual, repetitive sameness of day after day at home. 

February 2nd is Groundhog day. An old tradition where a groundhog acts as a weatherman to predict the end of winter.  Since the early 90’s Bill Murray movie of the same name, Groundhog day has come to mean the monotony and unpleasantness of reliving the same day over and over again.  That is what shelter at home has become, the same place, the same characters, over and over and over again.  Stress of the disease, concern for friends and family losing work, not to mention the chaos of the political climate creating an oppressive atmosphere.

Our family has come up with strategies, some have been successful, other not so much.  What has worked:

• Get outside

Run or walk, in the streets or on trails; getting outside expands my perspective and reminds me that the world is bigger than just me and my problems. Too cold to go outside; get ian outside feeling by opening windows, opening doors, bringing in plants and flowers.  

• Redecorate your space

Our family of 5 are on school and work  calls every day, and besides having to fight over bandwidth, we also fight over space! One daughter moved into our basement, another moved all the furniture in her bedroom to have a wide open space for cartwheels.  I had to redecorate too, I moved to our backhouse, a converted garage. Through craigslist, I furnished a desk and workstation. It is cold in the mornings! However, I enjoy my 20 step commute, and even my annoying co-worker, a fat pretentious squirrel. 

• Get moving

My son runs everyday and does soccer drills in local parks. One daughter does calisthenics. Family sing alongs and dance parties, anything to move and get our energy flowing.  

• Pick up a hobby

The concept of time has changed during this last year.  Looking back, I have a hard time differentiating the days as they all are Groundhog days, all the same.  And at the same time, each day I have a lot of time on my hands. I have taken up a lot of pastimes!  Photography, spray paint art, perfecting sourdough baking (of course), painting, reading and taking several online classes.  My kids have taken up piano, cooking Italian recipes, and way too many video games!  These hobbies have given us, in a small way, a purpose, something to work toward and become better at.  We also watched every movie from the Marvel universe, in chronological order. 20+ movies!  Not my favorite genre, however it was a needed break. 

• Be grateful

These are unbelievable times, a worldwide pandemic, and a severe economic catastrophe.    It helps me to recognize what I do have,  the health of my family, our mental health (so far!) and the hope that with vaccines, this virus can be under control, this year. 

At the end of the Groundhog day movie, Bill Murray’s character was able to break out of his loop. He used his knowledge of to improve the lives of the people around him.  What has been most helpful to me has been focusing on how I can support others, to make some else’s day a little better.  Everyday might be the same, however together, we can get through it. 

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” —Robert H. Schuller

This has been a hard year.  Fortunately, I am still employed, however, I am struggling being separated from extended family, friends and social outlets like my Friday soccer league. Remote work and school are hard, and it has been challenging to focus on video calls, while going through a pandemic, recession and wildfires affecting Northern California. Our day to day reality is much different from 6 months ago.  Many people are going through worse however, and we are lucky.  We have identified 4 Cs as succesful strategies for resilience; control, coping, connections, and contributions.

Our three children were on multiple sports teams, and our weekends were incredibly full with sports and social activities.  Last spring and summer we were out of town 12 weekends in a row. All that came to a halt with shelter-in-place restrictions.  Working from home, along with online school has many challenges. We battled over space, over computer access, and for wireless bandwidth.  We all are tired of each other; though my daughters had the biggest battles. Sharing a room was fine when we were barely home, now the fighting was nonstop. ‘Get out of my space!’  ‘Do not touch my stuff!’  ‘Stop singing! ‘   

Then a close family member was diagnosed with lung cancer. Metastasized through his body, it is treatable, however incurable.  This person is incredibly important to me, and the diagnosis is a devastating blow.  

Resilience is adapting to adversity and making it through.  

As a family, we made plans to readjust our lives to meet the new reality.  We set some priorities, such as dinner together every night, and focusing on keeping ourselves safe from COVID 19.  Another is for my wife and I to show our children how to develop strategies to meet life where it finds us.  

Some of the strategies we use are identifying what each one of us as an individual needs to take control of our situation, and use coping strategies to adjust to our new realities. Other people are incredibly important to build resilience, through social connections to get us through until the next day, as well as contributing to others to help them get through theirs. 

Each one of us took a different strategy. 

For my son, he runs, every day, for 5- 10 miles.  It is his release and coping strategy.  He is on his school’s track team, which is also his connection to a larger social network. He will be ready when sports start again, someday

My youngest daughter has scheduled her day to the minute, making sure she can get in her reading, exercises and of course her HGTV time.  She uses her daily schedule to control her time and make sure she gets all her work completed everyday. 

For my middle daughter, she needed more independence and to take control of her space. Towards this end we renovated the basement so she could have her own room. A true extrovert, she regularly has social distance meetups with her friends, and does a lot of facetime calls to keep her social connections. 

I took on many house projects and baking more, and my wife is deeply involved in contributing to causes she feels strongly about through her work. 

Through taking control of our situations, we are making a difficult situation better.  This year has been hard, and is not over yet.  As parents, our job is to support our children to become functioning adults who can make a positive contribution to society. Through this Shelter-In Place We might be losing opportunities to learn, missing out on going to events, and not seeing those most important to us other than on video calls, however through this we can build up our character, adapt to our new circumstances and learn what resilience is. 

This has been a hard year, however I am grateful for the lessons our family have learned to get through it.  

Remembering back, the overall feeling is of futility.  I had just spent most of the day finalizing a  grant proposal packet for the nonprofit I worked at , and led as Executive Director.  Writing a proposal made me excited with the opportunity, the impact the organization could make, and the people we would help with the funding.  I wrote down optimistic metrics and created yet another a Theory of Change.  However,  I knew my organization was not really qualified for this grant, and the leveraged funds required would be hard to find.  We did not have a chance. The organization was struggling with a loss of funding, and due to these changes, low employee morale. I took responsibility for all these problems, even though many of them were outside of my control.  The weight of the stress affected my job performance and my health. I often withdrew into my office to try to find more funding instead of focusing on the needs of the staff, and my back was constantly in pain.  I felt stuck in downward spiral and could not see a way out. 

At the time I was part of an amazing Executive Director training program called LeaderSpring. As part of the two year Fellowship, pro bono coaching was offered.  I had never had a coach before, outside of sports, and was skeptical of how it would help me.  I did not need to talk to anyone, I needed more revenue! Also, the coaching model did not make sense to me.  The coach does not provide expert advice or consultation, however assumes I have the answers to solve my problems.  Obviously I did not!  I was familiar with paying an expert to come in, and tell me what I needed to do to reach success. The consultant model was not great, seemed to cost more than it should, and often did not give promised results, however this is what I was familiar with. 

The coaching model assumes I am creative, resourceful and whole and have the strengths I need already. At that point with my organization struggling and my back in pain, I did not think I was any of those things. 

As the coaching was Pro Bono, I would at least try it out. I met with Pam of Rich Solutions.  She was engaging and supportive and asked what I was trying to achieve, and why.  I appreciated her thoughtful responses and her contention that I was not to blame for the situation the organization was in. This was enlightening to me. We collaborated to identify three goals I wanted to work on, and I could exhale for the first time in many months.

We met once a week for ten sessions.  I found myself looking forward to speaking to Pam, and really appreciated having someone to talk to who listened actively, and did not provide answers. Pam asked powerful questions to make me see my situation in a new light.  Having sessions every week kept me accountable to work on my goals and focused my energy away from dismal thoughts and toward action.

Ultimately, I did not reach my goals during the ten sessions. However I was on the way!  I built up successful strategies which proved crucial to my eventual success. 

What coaching means to me is a collaborative partnership to identify goals, encourage self-discovery,  elicit client-generated solutions, and hold me accountable to find success.    We are all creative, resourceful, and whole and have untapped strengths to reach our goals.  I found great value in my coaching experience and am now taking classes to further my training toward receiving my International Coaching (ICF) certification next year. I look forward to working with others to maximize their personal and professional potential.