I was on my third cup of coffee when the afternoon zoom started; an internal meeting on a topic I have experience in. I was the expert in the room on the call. Ignoring the screen I spoke directly to the camera and went ahead and hit the trifecta of lousy meeting protocols; I mansplained a project to the person who designed it, I proposed an idea as mine, loudly and with confidence, repeating what was mentioned tentatively just a few minutes before, and then interrupted a colleague, skipping over her question like it wasn’t there. Fortunately I have a kind colleague who decorously took me aside in a private email and pointed out I was being an ass. Oh snap, I need help. How would I be at an in-person meeting!
The pandemic has been challenging for all of us; I have been lucky I can work remotely. The change has not been easy though. I have been at home communicating by phone and video calls for over a year. I smile at the camera, and hide my own video feed; it is too distracting. If I do see someone in person, I am six -plus feet away, and guess at their facial expressions based only on the top half of a face. I really struggle with small talk now. How often can I have coronavirus conversations about a pandemic pet, sourdough starter or the latest redecorated room? These are my safe subjects; I do not know how to talk about family members’ significant health issues, or the hard economic realities of lost jobs.
My conversation skills just are not what they used to be, and they were not that good to begin with. Now with an available vaccine, shops and stores are opening back up. Now that I am getting back out into the world and meeting people in person, I feel I need to step up my conversation game. I can sit inside restaurants with family, and at cafes with friends once again. How do I talk to them?
People have been studying how to communicate, and persuade other people since humans had language at all. Rhetoric is the art of persuasion, which along with grammar and logic, is one of the three ancient arts of discourse. A course now at Harvard Business School on conversations called ‘How to Talk Gooder in Business and in Life’ teaches conversational best practices, and of course Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was one of the first, and still most popular self help books.
I have a plan and am setting up some simple steps to get out of my own way.
One step I am going to take is to stop saying, and start asking; focus my attention in terms of the other person’s interest. I have noticed that I really do not listen in conversations. I wait for a pause so I can add my relatable anecdote! Questions increase information exchange. Instead of adding my story, I am going to follow up, with ,” oh, tell me more about that!”
Humor works to bring people closer, and create a connection. Not a comedian, unless you can count dad jokes. I do know the best jokes are the ones at my own expense!
When going to a situation with larger groups, I’ll decide on a couple topics in advance to bring up when a conversation topic has run its course. Latest fashions, iphone games, dog breeds, Van Gogh museum exhibits, maybe. I have one group of friends who are all sports- crazy, and any time we will be together I know to read the sports page in the newspaper extra carefully.
And lastly, I know I have great ideas that will change the world! Andimportantly so do the people around me. I am going to acknowledge what others bring to a conversation and lift up and praise their contributions.
My new plan is to shut up and listen. I do not need to share my story, I need to listen to what others are saying. If the conversation lags, I will change the subject and be OK with that. It is just some folks talking. I do not need to be the most interesting person in the room, I will be the most interested.